It seems that every other post on Twitter and Facebook is a sales pitch from someone trying to sell a crappy product that teaches you how to sell a crappy product about how to sell a crappy product. Now, if you are anything like me, you wish there were more of these. After all, it’s what this world needs, right? More crappy products.

Well, wish no more my craptastic friend. What you are about to read is a comprehensive guide on how to sell a crappy product online. Dare I say the most comprehensive guide on how to sell a crappy product online.

Entire minutes were spent researching the science behind what you are about to read. I have personally opted in to newsletters about how to get rich quick before getting out of bed. I signed up for webinars about creating surges of traffic to your website without even having a website. And I have endured thousands of requests to “Like” Facebook pages and visit blogs about blogging for blogs. All for you.

I am confident that there is nobody more qualified to teach you how to sell your crappy product online. Period. So, let’s get started. That crappy product of yours isn’t going to sell itself you know!

You Need a Crappy Product

The first step in having a crappy product is coming up with a crappy idea. Your best bet is to find something that people either don’t want or don’t need. The obvious reason is because if they actually wanted it or needed it, they would have it. And if they already have it, you are stuck having to sell them on the idea that yours is actually better and that seems like an awful lot of work. It’s much easier to convince someone that they need something that they really don’t.

And why don’t they need it? Because all of the information in your crappy product can be found online by doing a simple Google search! For free! That’s right. You don’t even have to work very hard to create your crappy product. You can steal someone else’s crappy product instead!

Once you are done copying and pasting the material for your crappy product, you need a format. A way to deliver it to the masses. Preferably a digital format that can be delivered via download or e-mail like an e-book or an audio program. This way you don’t have to actually invest any money in your crappy product.

Which brings us to price. This part is easy. Anything that ends in a 7 will do. For example, $27, $97, $297, etc. And don’t be cheap about it just because it didn’t cost you anything to create. Customers assume that when something costs more it is worth more. So, technically, your customers want it to cost more money! You are just giving them what they want! Now that’s good customer service!

Create a Crappy Website

Next, you need a crappy website where you can market your crappy product so people can buy it. No Photoshop or design experience needed. You should go with the plain white page with 10,000 or more words on it. We want people to keep scrolling down wondering if it ever ends. This ensures that no one will actually read all of it. They will just assume that you know what you are talking about.

No graphics either. Other than a bunch of uncomfortably large “Buy Now!” buttons in bright yellow throughout the page of course. Maybe even circle them in red or point a giant arrow at it. We don’t want someone to miss an opportunity to buy your crappy product!

You also need proof of concept. The best way to do this is to include fake testimonials from fake people that love your crappy product. If you personally don’t have any fake friends or fake family members, you can find plenty on various stock photography websites. Apparently they love crappy products since fake people tend to endorse them all of the time!

Finally, don’t let people leave. If they try, hit them with a pop-up box. Make them have to figure out which button will get them out of there…either OK or Cancel. The more confusing the message the better. It seems that if they can’t leave they will eventually give up and just start waving their credit card around as a white flag of surrender.

Build Your Crappy List

The only other option you should allow aside from buying your crappy product is to join your crappy list. And if they do end up joining your list, God help them. Within a few hours of clicking join you are to enter them into a never-ending loop of crappy e-mails with more crappy offers to sell your crappy product. This is important. Don’t give up. I have found that it takes several hundred attempts at beating them down until they realize how much they have wanted your crappy product all along.

This is also an opportunity to pair your crappy product with someone else’s crappy product. Give away someone else’s crap for free if they buy yours. This way they are getting twice as much crap for the same amount of money. It’s a crappy bargain!

Pitch Your Crappy Product on Twitter

Now that you have everything in place it is time to start notifying the world. You should already have a Twitter account. Maybe a few. The first thing you need to do is setup a direct message that responds automatically every time someone follows you. You only have 140 characters, so don’t waste them on any pleasantries. Introduce yourself by asking them to either “Like” your Facebook page, visit your blog (which is just your crappy website) or go for it and ask them to just buy your crappy product.

Once this has been setup, all of your Tweets should be about your crappy product. Although you can go ahead and thank someone for following you by recommending they buy your crappy product. That is acceptable as well. Other than that, do not share, retweet, respond or otherwise offer up any value whatsoever unless of course it is a good opportunity to sell your crappy product.

Get Friends to Like Your Crappy Product

On to Facebook. Your crappy product should have it’s own page. And you should be relentless in your asking people to like that page. They want to. They just need to be asked 30-40 times before they realize it. It’s a Facebook thing. What I found to be the best strategy is to create an event called “Like My Facebook Page” and then invite everyone you know to that “event”. People love that. Almost as much as they love being invited to an event for later that day that is 3,000 miles away.

Whenever you post a status update, make sure it includes a link to buy your crappy product and one or more of the following:

• A picture of a puppy or kitten
• A request to share your post
• An inspiring quote from either Oprah or the Dalai Lama
• A misleading title

Another option with Facebook is to pay for advertising. It involves investing some money in your crappy product which you haven’t done up until this point, but it might be worth it. The important thing about an ad on Facebook is to make it misleading. Start with the picture. I have found that a picture of a woman in a bathing suit or a picture of Frank Kern works best. Just don’t confuse the two. The title needs be something equally as misleading that supports the picture you chose. For example, “Frank Kern Has a Secret.” That should work fine for either picture. For the description you can just use lorem ipsum, because with the sheer awesomeness of the picture and title, people won’t even make it to the description before clicking!

Hold a Crappy Webinar

The next part is optional but highly recommended. You should have a webinar. And your webinar should include almost no value but the promise of something big at the end. What is that something big? You guessed it. Sell your crappy product!

Now, you don’t want someone to come out of the ether after your webinar and realize they don’t need your crappy product. Have them buy it while still on the webinar. The best way to do this is to make it crystal clear that you only have 100 left even though it is a digital product. Maybe triple the price after the webinar or a similar type of threat  to get them to take action while they still have stars in their eyes.

Sell Your Crappy Product Through Other Crappy Affiliates

The final piece of the puzzle is to offer your crappy product for other affiliates to sell. Not just any affiliate will do. It’s important to find affiliates that sell other crappy products. You don’t want to approach affiliates that only sell products that they like and use. Remember, you have a crappy product and they generally don’t like to endorse crappy products.

Make sure that you offer your crappy affiliates a very small percentage of sales. Somewhere in the 2-5% range. After all, it was you that spent an entire 22 minutes of your life creating this product. Who are they to sell it and get half?

Watch as the Crappy Money Rolls In

At this point you should be able to check your e-mail and witness a sea of “Payment Received” e-mails pour in. If not, there is likely something wrong with your e-mail so please contact your e-mail provider. Clearly, it’s not because of your crappy strategy or your crappy product. That stuff is air tight.

Eventually the sales will begin to slow. That’s OK. It’s normal. All you need to do is give your crappy product a facelift. Call it “Version 2″ or the “2013 Edition” or even use a different crappy name. Repurpose it somehow. And when you are ready with the updated version of your crappy product, you guessed it…time to start all over again.

Featured image courtesy of epsos.de licensed via Creative Commons.